I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
