Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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