i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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