i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
