they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's never too late to be topless.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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