She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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