Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
