Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Operation Purity has been aborted
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
