I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
