fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
