ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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