im six kinds of drunk right now
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
