Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Randomize
