you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
