I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
