He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
