you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
