He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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