I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
