I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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