alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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