Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
