I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I currently don't understand fingers.
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