I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
