Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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