We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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