I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I love you. Go after that dick
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
