She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
