I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
