Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I have aggressive nipples.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
