I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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