she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
