he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
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wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.