At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.