dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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