loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
