Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize