he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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