If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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