I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
