I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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