The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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