I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
