found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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