Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
