Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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