i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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