Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
