she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
