So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
