Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
