if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
