I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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