I accidentally burped into my bong.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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