i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
