Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
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not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
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Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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