Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
