For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
