Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
