Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
