WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
