You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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